Bay Area Disability Network

Archived Children Advice

(also see Children Reviews and Recommendations)

Recreation for Kids with Asthma

Questions about birth mother

Problems with school staff

Questions about birth mother

My daughter is starting to have a lot of questions about her birth mother (she is adopted). She is only 6, so how much should I share with her? Her birthmother had a lot of problems (drugs, prostitution, etc.). She also has not figured out that her disability is related to her mother's lack of prenatal care - what do I do when she asks about that?

• I believe that, when a child asks a question, a parent should answer it. You don't have to go into incredible detail ("Mommy was a prostitute") but answer with age appropriate responses. So, if she asks "Why did my birthmother give me away?" I would answer it with the truth: "Your birthmother had some problems and couldn't take care of a baby, and she wanted to make sure you had a good life" My son asked his first question about his birthmother when he was two.

• When your daughter starts to figure out about her disability and her birthmother's involvement in it, she's probably going to have some anger at her. I think it's important at that time to give her a good picture of her birthmother (that she has a lot of problems herself, taking drugs, not able to think straight, etc.). I wouldn't tell her NOT to be angry (she will be no matter what) but try to help her get past it.

• What I think a lot of adopted parents do wrong is tell their kids too MUCH. If the kid asks a simple question, give them a simple answer, and then wait for more. My son asked me once why he didn't have a mother (we are a gay family) and I told him that some kids have two mommies, some kids have two daddies, and some kids have a mommy and a daddy. His follow up question was : "Can I have some ice cream?" You have to pay attention to how much info the kid wants, and their attention span.
  

Problems with school staff

My husband and I are divorced but remain on cordial terms, and both are involved in our daughters' education. Yet, every time either of the girls has a problem (behavioral, missing homework, anything), their teachers always fall back on "this is what happens with kids from 'broken homes'". This is especially significant in my younger daughter's class, which is a special ed classroom. How do I respond to this?

• I had hoped this type of attitude had gone out of favor at the same time disco died, but it's still around. I think you should take the initiative: you and your ex-husband should meet with the girls' teachers, talk about what you've noticed, and confront them on it. Tell hem how well your home situation works, how well adjusted the girls are, etc. Don't take that crap. This is an example of teachers falling back on what's the easiest explanation, instead of really trying to find out what's going on.

• It's a good idea to be proactive, but I also think you're being too nice. Tell the teachers "That has nothing to do with it" and move on.

• You don't mention what District your daughters are in, but the Special Ed staff in my son's school district are VERY overworked. I often get "knee-jerk" responses from the teachers on this type of subject. I try to cut them some slack on this. I know they have too many kids to handle, and too much going on.

Recreation for Kids with Asthma

My son has pretty severe asthma, and every time he starts running, he has an attack. Yet he is desperate to run around and do things. Are there programs with activities for kids with asthma? He is not a "sit around the house" kind of kid.

• A few summers ago, I know that the American Lung Association was offering a week or 2 of 'asthma camp' at Roberts Regional Park in Oakland. If you do a Google search on 'asthma camp'+california you can find some great information. Diane Dew

• I think the asthma start program housed at children's hospital Oakland might be able to advise you, they run summer camp for older children but may know of other resources