Bay Area Disability Network

Archived Parenting Advice

(also see Parenting Reviews and Recommendations)

Baby on Board

Mommie Dearest

Talking to my daughter

Activities for father

Sibling support group

Homework

Berkeley support group for Bi-Polar disorder

Looking for help at home with 20-yr. old autistic son

Stressed Out Mother

Questions about Birth Mother

My daughter is starting to have a lot of questions about her birth mother (she is adopted). She is only 6, so how much should I share with her? Her birth mother had a lot of problems (drugs, prostitution, etc.) She also has not figured out that her disability is related to her mother's lack of prenatal care - what do I do when she asks about that?

I believe that, when a child asks a question, a parent should answer it. You don't have to go into incredible detail ("Mommy was a prostitute") but answer with age appropriate responses. So, if she asks "Why did my birth mother give me away?" I would answer it with the truth: "Your birth mother had some problems and couldn't take care of a baby, and she wanted to make sure you had a good life" My son asked his first question about his birth mother when he was two.
When your daughter starts to figure out about her disability and her birth mother's involvement in it, she's probably going to have some anger at her. I think it's important at that time to give her a good picture of her birth mother (that she has a lot of problems herself, taking drugs, not able to think straight, etc.). I wouldn't tell her NOT to be angry (she will be no matter what) but try to help her get past it.
What I think a lot of adopted parents do wrong is tell their kids too MUCH. If the kid asks a simple question, give them a simple answer, and then wait for more. My son asked me once why he didn't have a mother (we are a gay family) and I told him that some kids have two mommies, some kids have two daddies, and some kids have a mommy and a daddy. His follow up question was : "Can I have some ice cream?" You have to pay attention to how much info the kid wants, and their attention span.

My son is 8 and has been diagnosed with autism. He is quite difficult to deal with, and I have an incredibly hard time finding babysitters. Recently, most of his care is falling to me, and I'm finding that I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I need some help! How do other people deal with this? Is there a place for respite care in the East Bay?

This is for the stressed out mom who is looking for a place for respite care in the East Bay. There is an afterschool program called Ala Costa Center for kids with developmental disabilities. They have one campus in Berkeley and one in Oakland. It is funded through the Regional Center of the East Bay. If you have a Case Manager at the Regional Center, you can ask them about placing your son there.
Regional Center has a service that provides respite, but hard to say whether they'll have someone for you. Try posting an ad on Craigslist. Be upfront about the disability; you'll probably get people who have done ABA or other behavior intervention.
Is your child a client of the Regional Center? The Regional Center makes referrals for respite care. It can be terribly stressful caring for a child with special needs, especially behavioral issues, and parents need respite, in order to be the best parents they can. You shouldn't feel guilty about this.
Dear Stressed Out Mother, My son experiences high functioning autism. I've had the best luck finding respite worker by advertising through Craig's list - on their educational list, not their daycare list. I pay for it through RCEB respite or HATCH. Also, ala Costa does after school care as does the Berkeley parks and rec inclusion program. -good luck!

My 20-year old son needs someone to give him companionship and help doing things while I am preparing meals, etc. I would like to hire someone for 3 evenings per week from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. and probably some time on weekends, too. Any ideas for finding such a person?

Hi, You should try an ad in Craigslist - you'll probably have the best luck in the "et cetera jobs" category. Unfortunately I think that they charge for their job postings - but knowing the Craigslist staff, they will probably waive the fee if you asked them. You could also try posting in one of the forums (which are free) but the only category they have that seems a close match would be "Childcare"

My son, age 19, was recently diagnosed as bi-polar. Are there any good support groups in the Berkeley area? I'm interested in finding a support group for him and another for us.

Try Alta Bates - Herrick Campus for your son, They have pretty good mental health services and should be able to help you. They're at 2001 Dwight Way in Berkeley their phone number is (510) 204-4444
For the Parents, try NAMI East Bay (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) they have a chapter located in Albany (510)524-1250 or email namieastbay@inreach.com

Homework

I would like to hear from other parents who are blind or have vision impairments about how they helped their kids with their homework. I am legally blind, my daughter is now nine and I’d like to work more with her. Math is particularly difficult for us to work together on as I can’t see her calculations and she has quite a bit of trouble explaining concepts that she hasn’t fully internalized yet. Alex

Hi Alex. I am a blind parent and can provide you with many suggestions. I would also like to suggest you join the Blind Parents List at Smartgroups.com. I will include the information below. As soon as you send an email to blind-parents-subscribe@smartgroups.com You will receive an email asking you to confirm your subscription. Just reply to that email -- you don't need anything in the body of the message, just hit reply and then send. At that point, you should begin receiving messages from the new list. This is an active list of blind parents from all over the world and they have already provided me with several ideas about homework and their children. I would suggest you have a talk with your child's teacher and ask for notes in an accessible format for your use with homework. Also if they can send you her homework via the computer in a text file that would be very helpful to you. For math, use manipulative's to have her explain to you. Pennies, small Legos, toothpicks, blocks, whatever you want that will help her and you draw a picture of the problem and then figure out how to solve it. You can also start teaching your child how to be more verbal for you, it is good practice for her anyway, and the more she does it the better she will be. Have her read to you when you travel, signs, anything that you might need, bus numbers. This will help her understand what you do not see well, and then when homework comes she will be more able to describe her own needs to you. If you have a CCTV put her homework under it, and if you don't you should look into getting if your vision will let your use it. Please contact me and I will be glad to provide you with more ideas. Debbie Bacon Project Manager National Resource Center for Parents with Disabilities Through the Looking Glass Berkeley , CA

For the person with visual impairment asking how she can help her daughter with homework, I recommend joining and posting the same query on a listserv I belong to of both sighted parents of children with visual impairment and parents with visual impairment. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BVI-Parents/

Sibling support group

I'm looking for a “siblings of children with special needs” support group for my almost-8 year old son in the El Cerrito - Berkeley area. Any leads?

I'm not sure if there are any sibling support groups going on currently. The Family Resource Network (547-1322) is the place to start. You also might want to call United Cerebral Palsy to see if they have any groups. I'd suggest you also call organizations that work with your son's disability, and see if they have resources. Good luck! Louisa

Activities for father

My father is in his late 60s, and has lost a lot of his hearing. He's a widower and pretty lonely. But most things I've found out about are group activities, which are the worst for him. For example, I got him to go on one of those Reno bus trips, but he said that, with the noise of the bus and everyone talking, he couldn't hear anything and spent the whole time alone (and knowing him, sulking). Are there any activities that are for people with hearing loss? He lives in Hayward . Thank you, Greg

There is a wonderful group of mainly Senior Citizens that have hearing loss who meet on a monthly basis. Self Help for Hard of Hearing. They may have a chapter in Hayward, if not they will have one close by. see their website: www.shhh.org. They also have activities, trips, etc. Good luck. Jewel

Talking to my daughter

My husband uses a wheelchair because he was driving drunk. How do you talk to a child about disability when the disability was caused by illegal behavior? Should I tell this to my daughter? She's 5 and asking a lot of questions. I don’t want her to pick up my anger about the whole thing, I’ve been going to counseling but I’m still really angry at my husband and I’m also trying to work out how to avoid unintentionally developing a connection (in her mind) between disability and punishment. There’s lots of other issues but help with those two would be great. Juliet

I once heard a family counselor say that kids will eventually find out the truth anyway so it's best to have it come from you. For now, you can say it was a 'car accident'. That will make sense to a 5 year old. She won't understand drunk driving so it doesn't make sense to include that information. If your family knows other wheelchair users, she'll probably meet other people injured in car accidents. As she gets older, you can decide when and how to include other parts of the story. Anon.

Mommie Dearest

My mother is an extremely difficult woman, and always has been. My siblings and I have been pretty good about setting limits with her ("No, mother, I am not coming to visit you for 6 months" "No, mother, I'm not moving back to Chicago ") but now she is getting older and has developed health problems. She doesn't actually seem that disabled to me, but whenever I talk to her, she uses her disabilities as weapons. I've tried to hook her up with social services in Illinois , but she "doesn't want a stranger in the house when I have four perfectly healthy children who should be taking care of me!" (Believe me; if one of us moved in with her, the next owner of the house would never get the blood off the walls!) I'm sure lots of people have dealt with this before - but how?!? Bruce

Ah, the joys of being the sandwiched-generation. Not! The problem of parents who cannot be alone but refuse to move is probably the most common disability-related problem among my peers. I've only seen 3 outcomes.

1. The parent accepts help. One woman moved in other, slightly more healthy low-income seniors and paid them under the table. So the parent got a companion and the helper got extra money. She had the helpers rotate every month so people didn't have to give up too much of their life. She found the helpers by posting notices at Senior Centers and talking to her friends and siblings. Some of her helpers came from out of town because they wanted to visit San Francisco.

2. A family member moves in. In my family we found a poor family member who needed free housing and it's been a great help for my dad.

3. The parent ignores everyone and eventually leaves the house on a stretcher. Most times it's from an injury. If the social worker at the hospital cannot find a family member to move in, then the parent is sent to some kind of nursing facility. Sometimes the local aging agency has a family counselor who can meet with a parent and discuss the options objectively (as well as the decisions of the children). Good luck

Baby on Board

I’m a wheelchair user, and I don’t drive, so I depend on mass transit and paratransit to get around. My wife is pregnant, and I’m worried about what to do when she goes into labor. How do I get her to the hospital? Has anyone faced this? It’s a big worry for me. I don’t want to miss the birth of my child and the opportunity to be with my wife during her labor, but I also don’t want her delivering our child on the sidewalk in front of the house while we wait for a wheelchair accessible van.

I believe the best local resource is 'through the looking glass', located in Berkeley . They have had grants to help families with these kinds of issues at times, have some kind of resource file, and can direct you to some books/articles. Congratulations! Enjoy the new baby!