Bay Area Disability Network

Archived Sexuality Advice

(also see Sexuality Reviews and Recommendations)

Dating and Disability

Downhill slide

Disability and parenting

My son was in an accident at age 23, and paralyzed from the waist down. It was difficult for him to make the adjustment to his new situation, but he has done wonderfully and is now happy and doing well. Now, at 29, he is engaged to be married. My question is one which I just can't bring myself to ask him: can he and his new wife have children? I know he does not have sensation below his waist, but is there a way they can have kids? He's my best hope for grandchildren, and I know they both love kids.

This is conceivably a disability question, but it delves into other areas as well. The short answer is: you'll just have to wait and see. A couple's decision as to whether they have children is a private one. They'll probably be quite happy if they don't feel pressure to reproduce in order to meet your life goal of being a grandparent. One other thing to consider is that other options such as adoption and foster parenting exist. These children would be just as 'real' as children that are biologically related to you. Anonymous
The short answer is yes. There are several ways for your son and his wife to conceive a child. It's my understanding that paralysis doesn't affect sperm manufacture. As for the mechanics of how to get sperm to greet ovum, a urologist probably would be consulted. Should further investigation be necessary, the next step is consulting a reproductive endocrinologist about artificial insemination. For REs, Dr. Lou Weckstein at Reproductive Science Center (San Ramon) is very caring and knowledgeable. There are many other good REs around the Bay Area, too. Anonymous
The real question here is whether or not your son has viable sperm that can be used for reproduction. The answer is, it depends. The longer someone is a paraplegic and uses a wheelchair, the less viable their sperm becomes. The body heat and extended periods of sitting eventually render the sperm virtually ineffective. If your son may, at any time in his life, have an interest in becoming a father (biologically), He should have some of his sperm harvested and stored at a sperm bank, so he can use them when he wants. But this should happen as soon as possible. The longer he waits, the less likely he will have this option. The other piece of this is that, contrary to stereotype, most adoption agencies do not look unfavorably upon people with disabilities as adoptive parents. Your son and his wife can adopt a child, without his disability being a barrier. Judi

Downhill slide

I have multiple chemical sensitivities, and am allergic to most man-made products. I haven't been able to find a lubricant that doesn't cause more problems than it solves. This is having serious repercussions on my sex life with my partner. (I am in a long term monogamous relationship, so disease prevention is not a concern). Any ideas? Anonymous

You might try 'O'My Natural Lubricant', which is available at Good Vibrations. They also have some other lubricant choices with non-chemical ingredients.
There's an organic lubricant called Nude advertised at http://www.organiclubricant.com/. A link on the page (http://www.organiclubricant.com/nude_organic_ingredients.html) has a VERY detailed description of everything used (and not used) to make Nude.

Dating and Disability - Long Term Strategies

I've been with my girlfriend for about two years, and at first, my disability (I'm a T-8 paraplegic) was no big deal to her. She seemed really cool with everything, but as time has gone by, she seems more and more distant around anything related to my disability. She actually seems to be more grossed out by the disability related issues I deal with (catheters, muscle spasms, pressure sores). I would have thought that she'd get more and more comfortable with it, but it's not working that way, and our sex life has dwindled to practically nothing. Any thoughts? Arthur

I think this isn't really about your disability. When I broke up with my last girlfriend, we went through a similar situation. Initially, everything about my disability was fine, but that was when we were in the starry eyed 'aren't you so amazing' phase. Once that faded, we both started to see the things about each other that we didn't like. It's unfortunate that what's coming up for your girlfriend all seems to be issues around your disability, but if you didn't have a disability, this would still be happening. It sounds like you're re-evaluating whether or not you're compatible for a long term relationship. It sue would be nice to blame this on a disability, but everyone - EVERYONE - has to deal with this one! Good luck.